A Big Heart?

On Sunday afternoon, we found Mike Magnuson wandering in Elysian Park without a bicycle, without his dog, and apparently without his wits. He didn’t seem to recognize us or our operative with whom he has carried on rather extensive discussions on several occasions heretofore. He knew where he was, something we only determined by asking him directly. We said, “Do you know where we are?” He said, “Does anybody really?” We said, “We mean in Los Angeles.” He said, “Elysian Park, home of police brutality.” He pointed over his shoulder where, indeed, a police officer was in the process of ruining the lives of two twentysomething skateboarder hipster/douchebag types who had arrived moments before in a very hipster-looking, very old-school white 1982 Volkswagen Scirocco II and stepped out of this classically useless car with open cans of Natural Light in their hands. The hipsters were no dummies; they set their cans secretly on the curb under the car’s front bumper before they strolled to the overlook to admire the view; but the police officer was no dummy, either: He looked under the car’s front bumper.

Operative: What’s going on over there?

Mike Magnuson: Those dipshits are getting fucked.

Operative: What did they do?

Mike Magnuson: Open container in a public park. Probably drinking and driving, too. Probably possession of marijuana before it’s all over.

Operative: That upsets you?

Mike Magnuson: Look at those guys. Helpless hipsters. They’re not criminals. And what are they getting busted for? Open beer cans?

Mike Magnuson stared into the distance, toward Pasadena, and his eyes misted over. He had to take a moment to pull himself back together.

Operative: Are you okay?

Mike Magnuson: It’s not fair, is all. I hate it when the police hassle innocent Hipster Douchebags like this.

Operative: Really?

Mike Magnuson: Just look at that bullshit.

We looked. We didn’t feel too badly for these guys. Sign says no open containers in the City Park. Law says don’t drive a 1982 Volkswagen Scirocco II with an open Natural Light between your legs. But for Mike Magnuson, the injustice was too much. Who knew he had a big heart like that? Since when has he been sensitive to the plights of douchebags? Maybe it's because one of the douchebags looks a lot like Floyd Landis?