Monday, March 1, 2010

Vacationing On Uranus?


As followers of Mag’s Sentence know, Mike Magnuson took an unexplained three-day weekend absence from doing original Mag’s Sentence updates for ‘reasons associated with too much work’ or something of that nature. We can’t remember his exact excuse and we have no intention of meriting his claims by rereading his posted comments in order to verify exactly what he said. What we do know, from careful surveillance of his home over his three-day weekend, that he made absolutely no change in his day-to-day behavior. He walked his dog more or less at the same time each day. On Friday night, he walked his dog for quite some distance, ending up at Trader Joe’s, where he tied the dog outside, went inside to shop, and returned shortly thereafter with two cans of Trader Joe’s dog food and a pint of grape tomatoes. Our operative tried to speak with him at this time, but he was deep in a conversation with what appeared to be a homeless person. Mike Magnuson was saying, “You know why I walk to Trader Joe’s? All the fuckers who shop here are trying to be healthy and organic and all that shit, and they fucking drive five blocks to get here! Don’t make no sense.”

Then Mike limped off into the night and we lost track of him. Saturday: rain. Mike didn’t ride his bicycle and as a far as we could ascertain, he never left his house, which means, contrary to all the bullshit he’s been slinging about wanting to get back into bike-racing shape, he’s still too much of a weenie to ride his bike on a rainy day. By mid-morning Sunday, he still hadn’t emerged from his house, so we tried prodding him, just to check if he was still among the living.

We then went ahead and sent him an email, full of text of which is this: Mr. Magnuson, we think you’re full of shit. Why aren’t you leaving your house this weekend?

He replied within a few minutes, and this is his response: Hey, fuckers. I know I’m full of shit. But I also don’t have to leave my fucking house if I don’t want to. And I don’t have to tell you what I’m doing when I’m alone in my house. – mag

We replied immediately: Aren’t you going to ride your bike this weekend?

His response: I rode my fucking bike Friday afternoon and also rode my bike every afternoon for six days in a row leading up to Saturday. So I took Saturday off, okay? And I ate a shitload of cheese and tried to gain thirty pounds – the day was like a deluxe, all-expenses-paid vacation to Uranus. Wish you had been here with me. Anyway, this afternoon, after the hockey game, I’m going out for a ride. Does that make you happy? – mag

He attached a blurred photo of Furby, which we post above and feel obligated to mention that the Furby’s battery pack seems to be separated from the Furby.

For the moment, we are left with many unanswered questions. 1) What is Mike Magnuson doing with a Furby? 2) If Mike Magnuson ate a shitload of cheese on Saturday, why didn’t he purchase this cheese at Trader Joe’s on Friday night? 3) Where do we find tickets for our own Uranus vacation?


  1. Dear Operatives: 1) Clearly, Mag and the Furby have something special going on, more power to them. 2) Clearly, Mag has a secret cheese stash that probably resembles my shameful cache of Girl Scout Cookies (disgustingly depleted). 3)Uranus is lovely this time of year; I hear there's a porcelain bus departing hourly. A bit of a rough ride, really, but getting there is half the fun.


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