Bad Shit #1

The name of this product gets astonishingly close to summarizing its quality. Take the L out and you’ll have it in a nutshell – or a nutless shell maybe? Or better yet, a tasteless nutless shell? I have to ask: Why the hell wouldn’t you the L out of the name? Everything else has already been taken out of this shit: Wheat free, gluten free, fat free, no sugar, low sodium, no cholesterol, only seven calories per cracker. Sure, a poor, long-suffering, shit-unstable Celiac can eat this these ‘crackers’ without experiencing complete intestinal collapse, but Jesus fucking goddam Christ, you might as well cut strips of typing paper and spread them out on a plate and people can dip these strips of paper into your Trader Joe’s tahini when they come over to watch the game. That’s right: These HO – GRAIN CRACKERS are simply awful, worse than awful, not even worth feeding to a starving chickadee in Saskatoon on the coldest night of the year. HO -GRAIN CRACKERS make communion wafers seem like they’re Kettle Cooked Salt and Vinegar potato chips (incidentally, do you think Christ would be mad at me for mentioning Salt and Vinegar chips in the same sentence as communion? He had some bad experiences with vinegar, you know, and might still be in therapy over it). To make matters worse, which is almost impossible that matters with this shit could be worse, HO – GRAIN CRACKERS are almost six bucks a box at Whole Foods.

Now listen, the first thing that happens when you realize you have to live on a restricted diet is that you search for the things you can eat: And Celiacs can actually eat all sorts of neat things, including Mission Tortilla chips, which are completely totally one-hundred-percent kickass in every possible way, and I guess Fritos are sans gluten, too, but since we’re keeping Christ in the mix today, let me say this: As Christ as my goddam witness, I declare that Fritos ain’t got one iota of donkeyshit on Mission Tortilla chips. Ah, the joy of having a disease! So yeah: celiacs can also eat rice and meat and cheese and potatoes and anything that fuckin-A doesn’t have any gluten in it. All those wonderful items that celiacs can eat: fattening. Or maybe they’re not really fattening. Maybe it’s that when you realize what you can eat in the context of what you can’t eat, you naturally feel the need to eat more each time you eat because you think that’s all the food you’re going to get. The consequence for me is I’m eating my gluten-free way into the Pillsbury Doughboy look. Which is not optimal.

As a corrective measure then, I spent way too much money on HO - GRAIN CRACKERS only to find out they suck. And I’m pissed.

Final verdict: The only good use for this product is as tinder to start a fire.